by Furball


 [ 741 ] +

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It was a chilly Wednesday evening and all was peaceful in the my household. The wee ones were tucked tight into their beds and their little pie-holes were SHUT for the night!

The estrogen based life forms that grace my home with their lovely scent and un-quenchable thirst for toilet paper, had decided that my 15 year old daughter and I should make a pilgrimage to Super Wal-Mart for a driving lesson and supplies.

The one mile journey to the store was over soon enough, thank The Good Lord Above! I exited our transportation unit, got on my knees and kissed the beautiful earth. As we embarked on the trek across the parking lot I felt exalted over being propelled by my own large steady feet, for this 6'2" carbon unit doesn't loose it's vertical status easily or often without intent. My faith in my feet was soon to be put to the test.

Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that; although I am in my early 30's, I can easily revert to the mentality of a teenager and often do, especially when I am with one of these un-sophisticated creatures.

The two of us, both 15 years old mentally, enter the pristine arches of the new Super Wal-Mart and select a shiny silver product transportation device from the docking station. Now one would think that pushing a shopping cart would add 4 wheels to the drive train thus increasing stability, and this would be true had I not just watched my dvd of Mad Max The Road Warrior.

You guessed it, I attempted a daring stunt known as "rear deck road rash", where the stuntman, (Me) positions himself on the rear spoiler of the vehicle (shopping cart). I have executed this maneuver numerous times on asphalt with a 100% success rate but was unprepared for the newly waxed floors of the current staging area. In addition, I prefer to work alone and am not accustomed to an assistant.

The first part of the stunt was a success as I executed a flawless mount of the rear wing. My assistant, seeing me perched safely on the stunt bar, decided to increase the speed of the vehicle. Soon after the acceleration, I realized we were in violation of the speed limit and decided to attempt an emergency dismount and drag, using myself as the braking mechanism. As soon as my skid pads hit the floor, I detected a lack of friction, a force necessary in slowing a fully loaded shopping cart. My feet shot forward, colliding with the rear stunt bar which instantly stopped my forward motion and put me tits up on the floor of the Wal-Mart.

The actual teenager was in hysterics. I laughed my way through the pain, walked it off and finished shopping.

The resulting injuries are minor... banged up shin and a little butthurt. The stunt bar actually took a chunk of skin off THROUGH a pair of jeans and thick wool socks. I hope the security camera caught it, I'll give it a day or two and check You-Tube.